Been a Little Busy

Hello Friends....

It has been 16 months since my last blog entry.

I have discovered the cure for laziness: LAW SCHOOL.

Peace out,
Darryl

LAW SCHOOL DAY ONE:

So today I begin my journey into the legal realmdome....

I am fairly good at breaking the rules in music. Now I will learn the rules of law to see what symphony I shall write....

Phoney Phone Calls

When I was a kid I loved to make phoney phone calls. That was back before Caller ID. Man, the kids today are missing out:

Phone: Ring-y ding-y do
Me: "Hello, is your 'fridgerator running?"
Victim: "It is."
Me: "You better go catch it."
Phone: Click
Me: "Tee hee."


Phone: Ring-y ding-y do
Me: "Is there a John in the house?"
Victim: "No."
Me: "Where the heck do you go to the bathroom!"
Phone: Click
Me: "Tee hee."

Back in my day when the boob tube was trying to schlep you some plastic crap that slices, dices and gets rid of your warts they would say "Operators are on duty." Now this would make every little kid giggle. Now in my youth you when you dialed "0" you would actually get the switchboard operator. So one day I decide to be funny. 7 years old and feeling the brazenness a full grown man gets after 10 scotches, I pick up the phone at 32 Maple Avenue, Larchmont, NY 10538. I stick my finger in the rotary dial hole for "O" OPER. I spin the roulette of communication and the phone chirps away, "Ring-y ding-y do. Ring-y ding-y da. Ring-y ding-y dum."

OPER: "Ah-puhr-rater."
Me: "Are you on doodie?"
Phone: Click
Me: "Tee hee."

Several minutes later the phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"
OPER: "Are your parents home?"
Me: "Uh, no." (Big fat lie)
OPER: "You bett-uh nev-uh cawl me uh-gain unless it's bona-fyde uh-murh-juncy!!!"
Me: (Shaking) "Uh, okay."
Phone: Click
OPER: "Tee hee."

Needless to say I never called the operator again. Several weeks later the "As seen on TV" ads egan the new phrase, "Operators are standing by." Maybe some brave soul called and asked the operator if their feet were sore from standing all the time. Though, not as funny as "doodie".

Tee hee.

Peace out,
Darryl

Flu

Sorry about the lack of posts lately...

I am battling through my 2nd bout of flu in 2 months and haven't been able to spend any time in the sauna where I seem to overhear some juicy stories.....

Peace out,
Darryl

Giving up Control

This past Sunday I had a very amazing experience. My beloved Green Bay Packers lost an amazing heart-breaking playoff game to the Arizona Cardinals. In the past this would have resulted in at the very least a week of mourning and testiness. Although disappointed, I did not wallow and have moved on from it. I am able to view this in perspective and not in a black and white do or die type of mode. Maybe this is from growing up or just realizing I don't have control over much of anything and it's awesome.

I am very superstitious. Viewed from an alternate perspective I realize that superstition is just some sort of fantasy that I have an amazing power. I honestly thought I have to park my car in a certain parking stall at the local Packer bar to ensure the Packers would win. Somehow this choice of mine would affect the outcome of a game played by 106 men thousands of miles away from me. In the same token this is what makes humans great. The fact we are even willing to entertain the possibility that the most infinitesimal action on our part could sway fate and the will of others into a joyous result for millions.

The more I realize that things outside of myself realm will go as they will and it is best to put up and shut up. My complaint will not change the past. It will just aggravate my present.

Somewhat ramble-y today. Sorry about the week long gap between postings.

Cleveland Steam Room

So tonight I am sitting in the sauna at my gym. Usually it is very quiet, not much chatting going on in there. Just a bunch of sweaty people exfoliating in the cedar silence. So in walks a quite attractive woman in a bikini. She lays down on the bench beside me. A few minutes later she leans back and with a Marilyn Monroe-like glance she asks me, "Do you like Pho?"

Is this some sort of joke? Have the Love Gods sent me the woman of my dreams? Do I like Pho? I LOVE IT!!! The only thing that would've made it better is if she was laying on a Green Bay Packers towel. It was as if I was the pizza delivery guy in all the Penthouse Forum letters I read in high school.

Anyway, so part of me is thinking "HOLY SHIT!" and the other part of me is wondering if my friends have put this gal up to one of the greatest practical jokes of all time. If not, I will have to send the idea to Ashton Kutcher and "Punk'd". Does that show still exist? I digress.

So next she starts talking about all the ice cream she just ate and then she let's me know she is lactose intolerant. I am in heaven. My soul mate lays beside me in the sauna and she knows the suffering I have gone through for years!!! She wouldn't think I am a dork for carrying a bottle of Lactaid with me at all times. We could trudge through life together in the pain that comes after a pound of cheese curds or a big glass of moo juice. We could slurp rice milk shakes with two straws just like in the movies....

At this point I have sucked in my gut and pushed my paltry pecs in the air. I am about to lay on some of my sweet, Lothario charm when she opens her mouth and drops the cherry on top of this soybean, carrot, pomegranate bean cake, "The gas will come soon."

(Insert record needle abruptly being drawn across the vinyl)

Are you kidding me?!?!?! If there was anything in my mouth at that moment it would have been plastered all over the entire sauna, its guests and the girl formerly known as my dream girl dropped down from the heavens. At this point I swear my eyes started to fog up and I wasn't even wearing my glasses! The images and sounds and smells began filling my imagination. I almost farted myself out of sheer discombobulated shock.

The rest twas a blur.....

What a strange day....

Baby on Board

So this afternoon I am driving home when I see a car with one of those yellow "Baby On Board" signs. These are the ones that were all the rage sometime in the early 80's. Though, after they became really popular, New York State made a law saying you couldn't put them where they were obstructing the driver’s view. Makes sense to me. If you have a sign reminding others to drive safely when in the presence of their several ton hunk of moving metal, as there is a baby on board, one would deem it fair that the driver of the car boarded by baby has a safe view from all vantage points so as not to cut you off and possibly harming any babies you may have on board.

Oh Seattle. Such a flaky town sometimes. Must be all in the tryptophan in the steamed lattes. So this car in front of me has one of those signs stuck square in the middle of a white, padded square. It was similar to the seat cushion you bring to high school football games to avoid getting “cooties” from sitting on the old wooden bleacher benches. With its bold white background, this sign screamed, “BABY ON BOARD”. However, the place it was affixed to, by suction cups, took up the entire center of this car’s backglass. So being as I was unable to see through said window, I can’t actually be sure el nino was actually a passenger in this vehicle. What’s more is that they would neither be able to see my car in their rearview mirror nor be able to know if I had a baby on board thus suggesting to them to drive a little more safely around me. I almost took a picture of this car as I was driving, but then I realized this would be encouraging the same moronic behavior engaged in by the driver of the old, grey Toyota Tercel.

Moral of the story: Don’t put your loved ones in harm’s way by trying to make them more safe.