Flu

Sorry about the lack of posts lately...

I am battling through my 2nd bout of flu in 2 months and haven't been able to spend any time in the sauna where I seem to overhear some juicy stories.....

Peace out,
Darryl

Giving up Control

This past Sunday I had a very amazing experience. My beloved Green Bay Packers lost an amazing heart-breaking playoff game to the Arizona Cardinals. In the past this would have resulted in at the very least a week of mourning and testiness. Although disappointed, I did not wallow and have moved on from it. I am able to view this in perspective and not in a black and white do or die type of mode. Maybe this is from growing up or just realizing I don't have control over much of anything and it's awesome.

I am very superstitious. Viewed from an alternate perspective I realize that superstition is just some sort of fantasy that I have an amazing power. I honestly thought I have to park my car in a certain parking stall at the local Packer bar to ensure the Packers would win. Somehow this choice of mine would affect the outcome of a game played by 106 men thousands of miles away from me. In the same token this is what makes humans great. The fact we are even willing to entertain the possibility that the most infinitesimal action on our part could sway fate and the will of others into a joyous result for millions.

The more I realize that things outside of myself realm will go as they will and it is best to put up and shut up. My complaint will not change the past. It will just aggravate my present.

Somewhat ramble-y today. Sorry about the week long gap between postings.

Cleveland Steam Room

So tonight I am sitting in the sauna at my gym. Usually it is very quiet, not much chatting going on in there. Just a bunch of sweaty people exfoliating in the cedar silence. So in walks a quite attractive woman in a bikini. She lays down on the bench beside me. A few minutes later she leans back and with a Marilyn Monroe-like glance she asks me, "Do you like Pho?"

Is this some sort of joke? Have the Love Gods sent me the woman of my dreams? Do I like Pho? I LOVE IT!!! The only thing that would've made it better is if she was laying on a Green Bay Packers towel. It was as if I was the pizza delivery guy in all the Penthouse Forum letters I read in high school.

Anyway, so part of me is thinking "HOLY SHIT!" and the other part of me is wondering if my friends have put this gal up to one of the greatest practical jokes of all time. If not, I will have to send the idea to Ashton Kutcher and "Punk'd". Does that show still exist? I digress.

So next she starts talking about all the ice cream she just ate and then she let's me know she is lactose intolerant. I am in heaven. My soul mate lays beside me in the sauna and she knows the suffering I have gone through for years!!! She wouldn't think I am a dork for carrying a bottle of Lactaid with me at all times. We could trudge through life together in the pain that comes after a pound of cheese curds or a big glass of moo juice. We could slurp rice milk shakes with two straws just like in the movies....

At this point I have sucked in my gut and pushed my paltry pecs in the air. I am about to lay on some of my sweet, Lothario charm when she opens her mouth and drops the cherry on top of this soybean, carrot, pomegranate bean cake, "The gas will come soon."

(Insert record needle abruptly being drawn across the vinyl)

Are you kidding me?!?!?! If there was anything in my mouth at that moment it would have been plastered all over the entire sauna, its guests and the girl formerly known as my dream girl dropped down from the heavens. At this point I swear my eyes started to fog up and I wasn't even wearing my glasses! The images and sounds and smells began filling my imagination. I almost farted myself out of sheer discombobulated shock.

The rest twas a blur.....

What a strange day....

Baby on Board

So this afternoon I am driving home when I see a car with one of those yellow "Baby On Board" signs. These are the ones that were all the rage sometime in the early 80's. Though, after they became really popular, New York State made a law saying you couldn't put them where they were obstructing the driver’s view. Makes sense to me. If you have a sign reminding others to drive safely when in the presence of their several ton hunk of moving metal, as there is a baby on board, one would deem it fair that the driver of the car boarded by baby has a safe view from all vantage points so as not to cut you off and possibly harming any babies you may have on board.

Oh Seattle. Such a flaky town sometimes. Must be all in the tryptophan in the steamed lattes. So this car in front of me has one of those signs stuck square in the middle of a white, padded square. It was similar to the seat cushion you bring to high school football games to avoid getting “cooties” from sitting on the old wooden bleacher benches. With its bold white background, this sign screamed, “BABY ON BOARD”. However, the place it was affixed to, by suction cups, took up the entire center of this car’s backglass. So being as I was unable to see through said window, I can’t actually be sure el nino was actually a passenger in this vehicle. What’s more is that they would neither be able to see my car in their rearview mirror nor be able to know if I had a baby on board thus suggesting to them to drive a little more safely around me. I almost took a picture of this car as I was driving, but then I realized this would be encouraging the same moronic behavior engaged in by the driver of the old, grey Toyota Tercel.

Moral of the story: Don’t put your loved ones in harm’s way by trying to make them more safe.

Rip Off the Band-Aid

Tonight I was reminded of something I learned many years ago. When faced with a challenge that scares you or may involve emotional pain, embarrassment, the possibility of hearing the answer "no", just rip the band-aid off. Don't peel it slowly hoping to somehow avoid misery. By peeling it you usually get a slightly less painful feeling, but it occurs again and again for 20 seconds or more. If you rip it off, there is the instant shocking jolt, but then you are free and the bandaid is no longer attached to you.

When I learned this lesson was many years ago. I was smitten with a beautiful woman we shall call "Suzy". I had this super huge crush on Suzy. She worked at the ticket office and check-cashing counter at my college. Every day I would go cash a $5 check to get money for Adam's Family pinball. I would stand nervously in line hoping I would get to her ticket window. Every time I was next in line I lucked out and her window was open. She would cash my check, we would make small talk and I would wander on my way with butterflies a-floating in my stomach.

After a month of this I finally asked her out. She said yes and we went on several dates. On one of these dates we were discussing the fact that we both really dug each other from afar for a long time. She then told me that her fellow co-workers in the ticket office would close their windows to ensure that I would get to hers every time. At this point I realized that I had spent a month of my life wondering if she liked me, hoping that she did, not believing she did, feeling sick in the stomach with nerves, and hoping that luck would guide me to her. All the while she was in the same boat as me.

From that point on I decided if I liked someone I would not suffer through another stretch like that. When I like someone I just ask them out. If they say "yes", whoo-hoo. If they say "no", I just saved myself a month of hemming and hawing over nothing. If there is a challenge in your life, face it. If there is a risk waiting for you, take it. Rip the bandaid off! A much better use of your time is waiting for you.

Thoughts From The Throne

When I was in college I wrote an opinion column for the Spectator, the student newspaper at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. The title for said column was "Thoughts From The Throne". The word throne has a nice double-meaning. It can either be the perch upon which a king or queen may sit or it is the toilet. The former describing a seat where few mortals will ever sit and the latter being the great equalizer, remover of all titles, ego, and dignity. It is the place where we are confronted with the fact that despite all of our genius, modernity, modern marvels and such, as humans we are controlled by simple animal functions. A good friend of mine Jack told me once, "If you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others and think they are better than you, just picture them on the shitter." I find that some of my greatest thinking arises when atop the "can". One of my college professors did not care for my ramblings and in his display of disapproval, he introduced me to my favorite phrase, "scatalogical humor", a very appropriate metaphor for "thoughts from the throne" and somewhat of a mantra for this column.

So begins my first blog, inspired by my younger sister's blog at http://missniwanda.blogspot.com/. I hope you enjoy it and that by releasing most of my thoughts, the voices in my head will diminish.

Peace out,
Darryl