Cleveland Steam Room

So tonight I am sitting in the sauna at my gym. Usually it is very quiet, not much chatting going on in there. Just a bunch of sweaty people exfoliating in the cedar silence. So in walks a quite attractive woman in a bikini. She lays down on the bench beside me. A few minutes later she leans back and with a Marilyn Monroe-like glance she asks me, "Do you like Pho?"

Is this some sort of joke? Have the Love Gods sent me the woman of my dreams? Do I like Pho? I LOVE IT!!! The only thing that would've made it better is if she was laying on a Green Bay Packers towel. It was as if I was the pizza delivery guy in all the Penthouse Forum letters I read in high school.

Anyway, so part of me is thinking "HOLY SHIT!" and the other part of me is wondering if my friends have put this gal up to one of the greatest practical jokes of all time. If not, I will have to send the idea to Ashton Kutcher and "Punk'd". Does that show still exist? I digress.

So next she starts talking about all the ice cream she just ate and then she let's me know she is lactose intolerant. I am in heaven. My soul mate lays beside me in the sauna and she knows the suffering I have gone through for years!!! She wouldn't think I am a dork for carrying a bottle of Lactaid with me at all times. We could trudge through life together in the pain that comes after a pound of cheese curds or a big glass of moo juice. We could slurp rice milk shakes with two straws just like in the movies....

At this point I have sucked in my gut and pushed my paltry pecs in the air. I am about to lay on some of my sweet, Lothario charm when she opens her mouth and drops the cherry on top of this soybean, carrot, pomegranate bean cake, "The gas will come soon."

(Insert record needle abruptly being drawn across the vinyl)

Are you kidding me?!?!?! If there was anything in my mouth at that moment it would have been plastered all over the entire sauna, its guests and the girl formerly known as my dream girl dropped down from the heavens. At this point I swear my eyes started to fog up and I wasn't even wearing my glasses! The images and sounds and smells began filling my imagination. I almost farted myself out of sheer discombobulated shock.

The rest twas a blur.....

What a strange day....